The Nine Go Shopping Episode II!
by Anoriel
Summary: Chapter 5 is up, the story is finished. Episode III to come whenever my delightful reviewers feel like it, so please R/R for your own sake.
1. Three Makes a Fool of Himself

The Nine Go Shopping EPISODE II!!  
  
Chapter 1  
  
The Nine are standing next to the back door of a huge four story mall. They are staring up towards the very top of the building.  
  
"What a fortress," Five mutters dangerously. "Dare we venture into the interior?"  
  
"I say let's raid it!" cries One. "Master will be pleased!"  
  
"Yes," Eight says in a sarcastic tone. "Let's raid it all by ourselves, with not even the pitiful help of the Uruk-Hai to assist us."  
  
"Well," One says disappointedly, "We could at least go inside."  
  
"Yes, Eight," Nine remarks. "That is all we were told to do, anyway: scout for the Ring. Hey, do you think we might find it this time?"  
  
"Master said that the jeweler-dude was working here. We'll probably find it here. You know how attached people become to it," Two says.  
  
"I am not coming inside with you!" whines Three. "The only reason I serve the Master is because I have to support myself, and nobody else wants to hire a five-thousand-year-old wraith!"  
  
"And the only reason the Master puts up with you and your ceaseless whining," Eight says, "is because he needs nine wraiths working together to find The Precious! If you don't come with us, you will be fired!"  
  
"Well, when you put it like that, I guess I will come. But no exploitation of innocent creatures, this time!" Three says.  
  
"OK, good. Let's go, Riders," Eight says, and leads the way into the building. 


	2. The Nine Battle the Mob! Well sort of an...

The Nine Go Shopping – Episode II  
Chapter 2  
  
Inside the mall, the Nine find themselves surrounded in a tumult of people. They somewhat   
confidently stride further into the mall and stop. Everyone is staring at them. What else is new?  
  
Four can't take it. "Argh, you ugly people, stop looking at me! You are making me sooo   
nervous! Please go away!" he mewls loudly, causing everybody to stare at the Nine even more.  
  
Eight is extremely annoyed, especially with Four. He mutters in Four's ear, "Quit your whining;   
you're starting to sound like Three."  
  
Unfortunately, this causes both Four and Three to turn on Eight. Four doesn't like to be insulted,   
and Three, unluckily, doesn't either.  
  
"How dare you compare me to Three, that blithering idiot!"  
  
"Don't speak of me like that again, Eight, you conniving little worm!"  
  
"Grah!"  
  
"Rarrh!"  
  
"Blearg!"  
  
"Mrreh!"  
  
"SHUT UP, you two, before the Elves hear us and start chanting the Forbidden Verses!" Eight   
shouts. "AND YOU," he cries, rounding on the crowd, "I want YOU to stop staring at us and   
get back to your inane chattering! I want you to do it RIGHT – NOW!"  
  
The crowd immediately breaks, and everything seems back to normal again. The Nine continue   
their search.  
  
***  
  
Chapter 3 coming soon. Until then, please review!  
~ Anoriel 


	3. The Nine Go Eating

The Nine Go Shopping – Episode II  
Chapter 3  
  
"I think we are lost," Nine remarks. It has been nearly three hours since the incident with the   
mob, and the Nine have searched their way through a Gap, a Mervyns and a JCPenny ("This   
place looks oddly familiar," says Six) without finding the rogue jeweler.  
  
Says Three, "We have been here too long! I think we should go back! That stupid jeweler isn't   
here anyway!"  
  
"Oh, you think we should go back, do you?" Eight sneers. "And why, pray tell?"  
  
"Because, uh, um, because - " Three blunders, trying desperately to think of a good reason other   
than fatigue, which Eight would surely ridicule him for. "Because I am hungry, that's why!"  
  
Needless to say, he is ridiculed anyway. "You idiot! Wraiths are never hungry! You know that   
we are neither alive nor dead! We do not need to stop and eat!" Eight's tirade is cut short,   
however, by the remarks of the other eight wraiths.  
  
"You know, it would be nice to eat again."  
  
"I for one can agree with that."  
  
"Hey everybody, there's a food court right over there!"  
  
Eight is furious. "Stupid Gondorians! Your grandfathers were dwarves, all of them dwarves!"  
  
But the rebellion continues.  
  
"Oh, shut the old pie-hole, Eight, you know there's nothing wrong with a little malt beer and red   
meat off the bone now and then."  
  
"Of course not! Let's go eat."  
  
"Dwarves, all dwarves," Eight grumbles, after which he mutters a long string of incoherent   
curses under his breath. He follows his companions reluctantly.  
  
They approach the food court and go up to a counter.  
  
"Hi, welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?" says the part-time employed kid at the   
counter, without looking up from his issue of The National Enquirer (this issue's headline was   
"Shocking Scientific Discovery – Salt Contains Poison Chlorine and Explosive Sodium! What   
the EPA was doing Behind Your Back!").  
  
"Order?" Two inquires bemusedly.  
  
"Uh, yeah, duh, order," says the kid, still without looking up from his magazine. "What do you   
want to eat?"  
  
"Well, then, let's see. We will take a few moments to decide," says Four, and all except Eight   
huddle around trying to come to a unanimous decision.  
  
Finally, they turn around again – "Roast beef and ales all around!" shouts Five.  
  
"Uh, excuse me, like, ale, and like, roast beef, are not, you know, like served here. This is like,   
McDonald's, you know."  
  
"Any recommendations?" Six moans hungrily, even though he can't really be hungry.  
  
"Uh, yeah, like, I would totally, like, get the Fish Filet, you know, dude. And then, like, Coke,   
you know, on the side," says the kid, who still hasn't looked up.  
  
"OK, nine – I mean eight of that, please," says Six.  
  
"Right, dude, it's like, coming right up, like, yeah."   
  
The Nine go and grab a table. They start talking about the Ring and if their mission will   
succeed. Their dialogue is too dull to be included – trust me, you'd be bored, and then how   
would I get good reviews?  
  
Anyway, in several minutes, the kid at the counter calls them over to say that their Fish Filets are   
ready and that that will be fifteen seventy-three, please.  
  
"Fifteen seventy-three what, might I ask?" Six inquires.  
  
"Uh, like dollars, dude. Like, hand over the dough, you know, like, yeah." He still has not   
looked up.  
  
"We," One says in an imperious voice, "are not handing anything over. You will give us the fish   
whadyacallits right now, just as we ordered them."  
  
"Uh, like, sir, you're like supposed to pay for your, like, you know, like, stupendous, like, food,"   
the kid says without looking up.  
  
"Pay?" Two asks incredulously. "You never said we had to pay."  
  
"Uh, like, sorry, dude, pay, like, up."  
  
The dwarvish eight of the Nine become angry. They draw their swords.  
  
Then the kid looks up.  
  
"Give us those Fish Filets. NOW!" One cries.  
  
"Uh, aack! Go away! Like, take your Fish Filets, I didn't do nothin!' Just go away people, you   
are like scaring me!" The kid screams as he shoves their sandwiches and drinks at them.  
  
"That's better," says One. They all take their portions and walk to their table.  
  
***  
  
Next time, the Nine have their first encounter with fast food, and find the evil jeweler dude!  
Review, review, review!  
~ Anoriel 


	4. Fish Filets and the Evil Jeweler Dude

The Nine Go Shopping – Episode II  
Chapter 4  
  
The Nine have sat down at their table and are examining their Fish Filets dubiously.  
  
"What strange food." Six says. "It has a funny little crust on it." He bites into the paper   
wrapping. "Yuck. It tastes terrible. I'm taking it off."  
  
The others follow suit, and soon the Fish Filets are lying properly on their paper wraps.  
  
"Alright, so now how do we eat these?" Two says cautiously.  
  
"Do you suppose we take them apart?" Seven queries.  
  
"What are these little round green smelly things for?" One inquires.  
  
"Hey, is this fish? I don't eat fish!" says Three.  
  
Meanwhile, Eight gets to snicker in the corner of the booth at how stupid his companions are   
being. "Why don't you pick them up and just eat them, you vile and spineless protozoa?"  
  
"Hmm, good idea, Eight."  
  
"Yeah Eight, thanks!"  
  
So they all pick up their Fish Filets and eat them like normal people. For some reason they seem   
acquainted with straws, but can't seem to figure out where all the sweet and fizzy drink is   
coming from. Also, after they have all drunk their Coke, they start acting very hyper, as any   
Nazgul on caffeine would be (in case you don't know, caffeine affects Nazgul much more   
strongly than it does humans). Eight, again, gets to snicker in the corner of the booth at their   
mindlessness. As funny as it would be to describe this, it would also be a bit – well – crazy, not   
to mention strange and grotesque, so let's just say that eight of the nine Nazgul were enjoying   
themselves very much, rather than saying that they were all running around the food court   
screaming their heads off and chanting in Orkish. Well actually, all nine were enjoying   
themselves, for Eight got to be a spectator.  
  
Eventually, however, the Nine return to a state of something like sanity, and Eight manages to   
drag the giggling Nazgul off to find the evil jeweler dude.  
  
After another hour of searching, the Nine find themselves in the Sears department. They ogle at   
all the cool fridges and barbecues and tents and hammers and dishwashers and dryers and kiddie   
cars and motor boats and stovetops and other wonderful and high-tech stuff around them. They   
pass by the drills department, and it strikes them that they have no idea what a drill is.  
  
Well, all except Eight, who would rather criticize everybody else for not paying attention to the   
mission at hand.  
  
Anyway, Two decides he wants to find out what a drill is. "Uh, hi sir," he says to the customer   
service guy. "Can you tell me what this is?" he asks, picking up a drill.  
  
"That sir, is a drill," the guy says nervously. "Now would you please go away?"  
  
Eight of the Nine are too used to people being nervous around them to care, but Eight   
suspiciously says, "No way, buster, explain to us what exactly a drill is. I would like to know,"   
and the other eight are extremely surprised that he is even interested in the drill.  
  
"I, uh – " says the customer service guy, but then Eight lifts him up by the collar.  
  
"And I would also like to know," he says softly and dangerously, "what this *ring* is doing on   
this chain around your neck, and why it isn't on your finger."  
  
"Hey, nice job, Eight, I never noticed that!" says a random wraith.  
  
"That is because you are a mean and lowly maggot," says Eight. "OK, you half-witted scum,   
where have you been all the time we were looking for you?"  
  
"Uh, righ – right here…"  
  
"And how long have you known about the Ring?"  
  
"Uh, like, since when you were chasing me…"  
  
"And tell me, where were you at ten o'clock on the fifteenth of March?"  
  
"Uh, I was – hey, why do you want to know?"  
  
"Just wondering." Eight puts the evil jeweler dude down. Then he turns to his companions to   
ask what to do with this pathetic wretch when Three cries, "He's getting away!"  
  
Sure enough, the evil jeweler dude is shooting off toward the main mall, laughing his head off.  
  
"After him!" Eight cries, and they all race after the Ring-bearer.  
  
***  
  
Ha ha! The story will end with the next chapter – and then, if you are all good little reviewers,   
on to – EPISODE III!!! Mwahahahaha!  
Uh, yeah, whatever.  
So until next time this is Anoriel!  
  
~ Anoriel 


	5. An Unfortunate Episode Concerning Roller...

The Nine Go Shopping - Episode II!!  
Chapter 5  
  
The Nine are in a mad rush to catch the evil jeweler dude, who is sprinting with a maniacal laugh   
down the main part of the mall, knocking over all the little stands set up by people who can't   
afford an actual store.  
  
"Great Lord Sauron, that guy runs fast," huffs Seven.  
  
"I'm - going - to - get - that - filthy - little - rat," pants Eight.  
  
"Hey, wait for me!" screams Three.  
  
"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!" laughs the evil jeweler dude, as he jumps into   
an empty elevator. The door closes immediately, and the jeweler waves at the Nine through the   
glass as he presses the button.  
  
Eight mutters his signature curses.  
  
Four cries, "Look! An open elevator over there!" The Nine rush towards it, just as it starts to   
close. It looks as if they aren't going to make it, but Eight manages to jam himself into the gap   
between the doors. They part and all nine of the Nine jump in. Eight presses the (4) button.  
  
"Hey, I wanted to press the button!" Three whines. But they are already traveling up.  
  
The jeweler's elevator reaches the top before the Nine are even halfway up. He bolts off down   
the corridor, attracting a lot of strange looks as he tears by.  
  
After what seems like hours, the Nine reach the top and bolt off after the guy. Department stores   
whoosh by, and it looks like the Nine are gaining on the guy. Unfortunately, he is still miles   
ahead.  
  
However, Sauron wasn't exactly going to totally abandon these guys. After all, they were   
searching for his ring. He immediately equipped them with what he thought would be the best   
transportation for the occasion....  
  
"Rollerskates?!" cried Eight. "Why rollerskates?!" Needless to say, the Nine are totally   
unfamiliar with rollerskates, and cannot manage to steer. And with the excess momentum from   
their running, and their limited knowledge on how to brake, they cannot stop either.  
  
So they all insanely scream as one, as they rush toward the glass window at the end of the   
corridor, and as the evil jeweler dude grabs an elevator down to the first floor, and as the people   
in the mall all think simultaneously, "What the heck is their problem?"  
  
Then they all crash into the glass, and the glass breaks, and they fall four floors to the street   
below.  
  
"Ouch," says Three, "that hurt A LOT."  
  
"Realize that if we were still mortal, it would have done a lot more than hurt," hisses Eight.   
"Thanks to brilliant old Sauron, the evil jeweler dude got away." They can see him laughing   
across the parking lot.  
  
The Nine struggle to get their skates off, and finally all stand up.  
  
"Ah well," groans Eight, "here we go again."  
  
And the Nine set off, back to their old jobs of searching for the Ring.  
***  
  
Sorry about such a short chapter. Even thought the first two are a lot shorter.  
  
Thank you, all my wonderful reviewers. Episode III comes with the 15th review!  
  
~ Anoriel 


End file.
